Laughter, Reality and Finding Peace; Diary of A Week Away
Sometimes we venture out, not because we know where we are going but because we want something— peace. Not just a long silence that follows stained scabbard or a pseudo laughter that bonds hands of former enemies under façade treaties but peace — an absence of the reality, a life of funky ride with goodies of lovelies. In justification of Plato’s theory of forms, I think growing up is a degeneration from the original while our latter lives are mere poor copies of the joy we had in our childhood.
I don’t know what came to be, but I do know that I believe strongly in Marxist historiography, you do find me contradicting right? I am vast reader and a conglomeration of knowledge. I brag about that silently. I have always heard about people’s pilgrimages towards finding peace and self-satisfaction, I myself I am not a fan of pilgrims but if what I am about to tell you count as one, so be it.
June 25, 2021
People happen to people. The world — an inheritance of the poor man, never changes. People do.
June 26, 2021
I am a thinker. I don’t fashion in idle mind.
First, It sets in as a few glimpses. I knew this was coming two weeks before this day. Since my eyes has been suffering from incessant tears. The day went on fine, the afternoon was smooth but as the night unfolds, I heard the little voice in my head — “the world is silent we died” I knew the deep meaning of the statement, I guess more than what Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie wrote it for. I have been fascinated by the arrangement of the words.
In my room,
I knew I was drowning. I knew that even when I wore dresses that made people turn to comment, “nice dress” and ladies spread their arms to hug me tight like a Teddy Bear that magically takes away pain but, in this context, it was my perfume, I knew I have been to my brim. So, I stare blankly at my ceiling and thought of myriad options.
Pain demands to be felt — Imperial Affliction
A fictional Book the movie, The Fault in Our Stars 2014
Really — pain opens the portal to —
I concluded. By 12:00 am, pain will be felt and so be it.
Sometimes, a course is diverted in order to understand the what to know.
Zeenat saw my WhatsApp post and replied to it. We made fun of movies and she bade me like the way a mother bid her son to war, to be strong and never lose myself.
Eat Good foods.
Remove yourself from toxicity.
Don’t tie your happiness to anyone — you are worth more.
June 27, 2021
There is a pseudo ecstasy that calms the heart at the beginning of many things. I looked out of the window of my room and thought of many things. I read essays on Lolwe Issue 2 but I could not take the height of the sexuality context, no matter how romanticism written, there are some times you just get fed up of things and sexual envisage is one.
I had one plan to do on the day, meet Abisola — my sister.
Since I didn’t offer my day in a sacrosanct room filled with bogus minds of hypocrites but rather stayed at home to enjoy the breeze while I ruminate on the verse I read from the Bible, I messaged Abisola. Well, we both maintained an arcane way of communicating without using the dial and SMS.
Memories filled the days we live in dis-communication. I love to listen to her. Laugh. Dry Jokes. Her Poking my bully nature. We even decided to play an AI prospicience game on Facebook. And with Water Melon Sugar by Harry Styles and Blinding Lights by The Weeknd, we both laugh at the things that made our heart heavy till it dwindles.
Happy // Love
Note from my diary on this day: “How quick is it that love dwindles?”
My heart flutters with happiness of freedom. Sometimes, pain demands to be felt.
June 28, 2021
Laughter, Reality and Vision.
I enrolled for a course of Cousera.
Nights classified with readings.
June 29, 2021
Oluchi has a way to my heart and she navigated it perfectly till it fills heavy to my mouth.
“Okay dear. I will take care of myself,” I giggled bougously.
Emptiness and Reality.
Fear of this project not getting completed.
June 30, 2021
“So hereby, you are one of the Librarians.”
Even though, after I had applied I felt I shouldn’t but —
This day, I watched Jailer, a Mount Zion Movie and learned about how important it is to let go from the heart.
“What you don’t know, Temi, is that, both the jailer and jailed are both locked in a cell” — James Adegbola.
I began a close walk with God in the finding of peace.
July 1, 2021
First half gone, second half begins.
I stared at my white board with my black marker in my hand. One more time, I looked over my June plans and smiled sheepishly not because I completed it all but because little wins demand celebration.
July 2, 2021
My fear has caught up with me. I could not complete this project on deadline. But however, I had a positive mind. Today will be my third class with the students of Ajibode Grammar/Community School who won the RELIFA FOUNDATION SCHOLARSHIP as their English Teacher preparing them for WAEC/NECO.
Even though the body is weakened, the soul is active.
On Change and Peace.
James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits said, “it is so easy to overestimate the importance of one defining moment and underestimate the value of making small improvements on a daily basis. Too often, we convince ourselves that massive success requires massive action…. we put pressure on ourselves to make some earth-shattering improvement what everyone will talk about meanwhile, improving by 1 percent isn’t particularly notable …. But is can be far more meaningful especially in the long run.”
There are many things I should have done but I didn’t. Like talking to the lady to often glimpse at me in the reading hall. Like going to the cinema to watch Fast and Furious 9, like finishing my June Read — How to Sell your Brain. Like —
So many things but however, amidst this, I silently whisper to myself to see what the world beholds upon unfreezing this app.